The Game

It's become a game, and it's not fun so much as damn determination. It's like my addiction to Spider Solitaire, a thing to check off, a function to perform but with no real consequence to it. Yes, it's that whole RSVP thing, that I continue to hear phantom, myth like stories of romance evolving from it. Weddings, soul mates, live in lovers - these are apparently springing from RSVP at a rapid rate. Well, I've yet to see any results...at all. Anyone I'm remotely interested in is clearly being bombarded by single women everywhere and not available or the only people who seem in interested in me are people who have I nothing in common with, and no chance of a relationship. I've tried letting them to come to me, I've tried going after them and being proactive and it's been a no win situation either way. And what's worse is that there are a few guys I would honestly like to meet, they sound normal and nice and keen to laugh. All the very easy qualities I'm looking for, but due to the meat market scenario that RSVP seems to be, I can't find.

The profile is a very hard thing to write for instance - how do you make yourself seem entertaining, completely desirable, wildly charasmatic and still be single, trying online dating and still come out sounding cool? Everyone is reading the latest book - boys check for Shantaram, girls check Eat, Pray, Love. Everyone is apparently getting at least three gym sessions in per week - how is there an obesity crisis? Everyone is keen to travel and explore the world - bosses should expect mass resignations? Everyone is looking for that someone special - it's a massive game of Snap? When I first started, I was nervous, with a big dollop of shame and an underlying hope of being that story your friends tell you about, the girl who found an amazing boyfriend and is contently pursuing her fantastic relationship. Now, I'm bored. I check for possible matches, save my favourites and send a 'kiss' to guys I could possibly want to meet. And nothing, besides my disastrous date of 'music is good', nothing, no one seems to be interested.

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I haven't been honest, or at least completely. My last entry, way back in May, I discussed the first terrible date I'd had with iBoy. And before, you get extremely excited, no, we haven't been secretly dating, and now I'm ready to reveal my true love. Hardly.

No, I wasn't completely, lay it on the line honest and that's sort of the mission statement of this here little blog. To lay the dating dramas, or lack thereof completely out there, however humilating they may be. And why wasn't I honest you say? Well, the story became a story - if you follow. It became a comedy routine, with the appropriate build up and wait for laughter. It became a defense and how crazy am I story, when fact, the silence from the bad comment wasn't that long, and my swearing was probably not noticeable. But it's far easier to have funny story, a comedy routine than admit that he didn't like me. And not because I was silly or nervous and blew it, that's an easier story to to tell, no he just plain didn't like me. And that's really hard to face. To accept that some one spent an evening with you and decided without a real idea of who you are, that they didn't want to spend any more time getting know you. It's a harsh reality to face and it was easier to turn it into a romantic comedy, and get a laugh than face it. Because then it haunts you, what if there are parts of your firmly entrenched personality that people just don't like, and there's nothing you can do to change that. How do you date honestly and without fear from that point on?