Being Honest..Really

Here's the thing. Just as afraid, and lonely and scared I am of being alone, I am equally so of being with someone.

That's a truly bizarre statement considering my motto of this outlet but it's true. I don't think I would be any good in a possible relationship right now. I am too afraid of everything it would bring my way. I know, I know, it's completely moronic. But I just know at the moment that's exactly where I am. I'm too afraid to really be open to something, because what if it fails? What if I can't open up the 'right' way? What if I, do the classic Sunday Girl thing, and run faster than they catch me? Trust me when I say I'm pretty good at this out run technique and it's only been pure luck that my instincts have been right and that running was the right thing to do. One day, though I'm afraid I'll run from someone I'm not supposed to and then what? It's an endless question that swims in my head at the moment because I don't see a logical way out of this. I mean, of course, the brave thing to do and the obvious thing to do would be not run, and face the music and see what happens. Still, that's so, so, so, so much easier to say than do. It's not like I have had an abundance of opportunity to practice. You know, most people have their past relationship failures to look back on and think 'of course, of course, person X was my bad boy and here's how this relationship helped make me better for the future.' Well, what happens when there is no person X, when there's been no learning curve and time is dramatically slipping away and by the time some one gets to me, it's kind of expected that I'll be okay at this, that as an adult I won't run away. So what's to stop me stupidly running away and the 'right' one, just moving on, because it's all too much trouble? Nothing, and no one but pure luck and if I know anything, luck and my relationship life don't really meet often. Because what sits under this fear is that my stupid expectations of the 'someone' who would understand I'm running, and be able to call me on it. And my fear is that person doesn't exist. No one who can quite figure me out enough to stop me running. Not so brave.

***

And now it's getting a little creepy. While I really hate, hate, hate to say this, Man 1 is actually getting on my nerves. And not at all in a romantic comedy movie where in the next part, I'll realise that in fact, we're meant to be together. Trust me, this isn't heading in that direction. He's actually getting on my nerves in the sense, that he won't leave me alone. And clearly, as nicely but forcefully as I can, I'm trying to send the signals that no, I'm not interested. Other people now notice and it's becoming a bit of joke which is awful because if the reverse were true and I was the butt of such talk, I'd be mortified. Absolutely mortified. Still, he persists.

I actually, the other day, did look objectively at him and of course, we do have a common interest and sure there's stilted conversation over this one, and only one, shared common interest. But that's it! And again, I'm so damn angry and frustrated about it. And half of it's not even his fault, because my anger steams from myself. Why, why can't this be someone I like? And why are you someone that likes me? Because we're not a good match, and if this person thinks we are then what the hell plan am I looking at, because it's obviously wrong!

***

Lastly, I wanted to say thanks to those who've emailed me and been so honest with me. It's an absolute priviledge that you share your feelings with me and I'm so honoured that you read my rants, rambles and in-between crap. That you actually respond to it postively and feel some sort of identification, makes me beyond happy because it means that A) I'm not the only single person out there who is SICK TO DEATH of hearing from so-called 'experts' about how easy love is to find B) that there are people who are still genuine about their feelings and people who actually value the search for love and C) that for every single person, questions linger and if we're all asking the same questions, that maybe one day two people will get the same answer. Here's hoping.