And So It Goes

I have a special skill, it's a very unique one, I think at least for me. I seem to attract exactly the wrong type of man. And before you get all excited, no it's not some Danny Zuko bad boy type who will break my heart and leave me sad and lonely. It's the ultra nerd. The socially uncomfortable, Star Trek pledging, can I fix your hard drive on the computer nerd. And unlike the movies these nerds aren't just sheathed in glasses that once removed reveal a hot man who just needed hair gel. These nerds are tried and true. And boy am I a bitch for calling them that. I know it, I am very aware of how hypocritical and awful I am, but honesty on Sunday.
Man 1 has returned with a scary, geeky vengance and it makes me feel ill. It frustrates me and annoys me and angers me. And mostly it's not Man 1's fault but more a case of my ego. Because while I am not attracted to him in any way, and we defianetly don't connect that's not what angers me. It's me in comparison to him. Is that where I rank in the social standings? It's so terrible to admit this, so ugly but it's true and I want to make it clear, I am no love saint, I am mean and bitchy and I have nasty preconceptions about people and I am a snob. But honestly, for all my whining about low self esteem, there is buried in there, some part of me that believes I deserve something good, someone who is both mentally and physically attractive to me. But I have never had someone I admire respond in kind. It's always me, sad puppy dog me pining after some hot man or my loser loner nerds lusting after me - and I'm so sick of it. It's even happening online. Yes, I am too lonely to continue being alone anymore, so I've taken baby steps back to the virtual dating world and I hate that too. I hate the humilation I feel everytime I log on and realise that in some way, it's because I've failed in the real world. I hate scrolling through pages of very nice looking men and seeing some who sound honest and cool and thinking why couldn't I have met them at the Post Office or the supermarket, I hate having 35 year old truck drivers with three teeth message me saying we share the same interests. I hate it all but I am completely at a loss of what to do. And so even online, I'm suffering from the wrong attention. And that just has me wondering is this where I fit in, in the social ladder, between toothless truck drivers and IT nerds who want to play SimCity this Saturday night?

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For the first time in my current adult friendship group, I am the only single person. And for my friends who have found love and are in relationships both new and old that fulfil them, I think that's great, I think they deserve it more than any one and I think their partners are fantastic people for them. I also am tired. I am so tired of being alone and so tired of pretending it's okay. What's interesting is the people who read this, many I know, and I want to immediately say I don't want pity faces, I don't want 'keep hanging in there, it will be okay' because here's what - you don't know that. I've been hearing from many people for so long, that I'm great person, and of course, the right man will come along and you'll love and be loved and these sad lonely days will be but a distant memory. What if that doesn't happen? I'm sick of lying to myself that the fear of being alone isn't very real and isn't very present. Sure, I can definately survive alone on the day to day terms, I'll handle rent and life fine, but it's the bigger picture. It's the someone to wake up too, it's the someone to dream of. The someone to walk home to, and the someone to laugh with. The reason I guess it's so focused at the moment is that not only, I am the only one alone in the friendship circle at the moment, but the emptiness seems to be stretching out for as far as I can see. There are no new and interesting men that I meet on a regular basis, I don't have a boy friend who will wake up tomorrow and realises that actually, I'm the girl he can't live without. I don't have any potential and it makes me incredibly despondent. Because in one respect, there's a whole avenue of my life that's going really, really, really well and I love it and want to keep loving it but then it's night and quiet and there's an empty bed and empty arms, and while that's overly dramatic and soap opera, it's true. And incredibly scary.