Trying new things

It's been a while. It's been a long while, and guest what? Not much really has changed. Still single, still not particularly happy about it. I do however have to make it absolutely clear that I'm okay. I'm a happy person and I laugh more than normal, and I on a day to day basis really love how my life has turned out. I felt I really need to say that as I didn't want to be this sad, self indulgent girl moaning about her life when in comparison to others, I've more than okay. So universe, please hear that.

It's been an interesting few months though. I had the recent-ish occasion of kissing a friend. It was a very weird situation where alcohol was definitely involved. I know both of us had never considered doing this before (and I'll stop you right now, there will be now romantic comedy love ending here). It's more a situation of drinking and talking and the offer was made, and god it had been a long time since I'd kissed someone. And I actually fooled myself that I wanted it, I was hyped on anticipation. As soon as we began kissing though, I knew it wasn't right. It just didn't feel right, and I immediately felt uncomfortable and wanted to abandon the whole thing. However, like every stupid insecure female, I convinced myself that I'd come this far and continued kissing him for another hour or so. And I hated myself the next day. It wasn't me, and wasn't what I wanted. If I'm going to endure this long winded single-ness then why was I randomly just 'pashing' someone (and I hate that word, but it's really appropriate for what it was). I was however in turmoil for days afterwards. I have spent so long questioning my decisions and questioning why I reject so many men, when here was nice, normal guy that wanted to semi-be with me, so what was my problem? My problem was and is, is that I don't settle. And without sounding like some Beyonce women's empowerment song, I've come too damn far and waited too damn long to have to convince myself about something. I am a firm believer in gut instinct and I know, I know, my gut was against it. So, after a few days of crazy head inducing and completely unrequired mental drama, a few words from some friends sorted me right out. The friend and I, remain friends and thankfully due to distance don't have to endure too many weird encounters. What's life without a weird encounter though.

*** *** ***

So, following on my from misadventures, I more recently decided why not give Speed Dating a go. Virtual dating was proving an absolute bust despite people tell me urban legend stories of attractive girls and handsome amazing boys meeting and marrying. I signed up and told not a soul, none of my friends knew, none of my workmates knew, none of my family knew. It was secret time. Because there's nothing worse than ten minutes after the dating, forty-five phone calls with the 'How'd it go?' 'Did you meet anyone?' I can't stand that! Anyway, I registered and spent the work before planning so many wardrobe options. Of course, the Thursday before my Monday dating, a lovely cold-sore develops on my lower lip (oh yes people, that's right, I get the very infrequent cold-sore, which has nothing to do with a sexually transmitted disease but it doesn't stop the stares and oochs, and grimaces). Fantastic! So Monday roles around and thankfully the cold-sore has diminshed a little, but I did wear a shade darker than normal in lipstick. I arrived smack bang on time, so walked around the block twice and then pretended to be fascinated by a pair of shoes in a closed shoe store. Arrving fashionably on time, the pre-chat kicked in where I made friends a plenty. Not bragging, but a large part of my profession requires that I small talk with the best of them, so while my heart is thumping, I'm grinning and chatting away and no one is any wiser. The girls, as always happens when I'm out, love me. I make friends incredibly easy, I like to make people feel at ease, and I felt these girls, like me, when panicking their little hearts out. The fellas too were clearly scared, shy and reclusive. Once the dating itself began, I became more and more relaxed and large part was due to the fact, no one really took my fancy. And it wasn't any one thing in particular that didn't click but, really it just didn't click for me. I ticked yes, to two guys, one the American who is visiting Australia for six months. And two the Doctor - who I didn't realise was a Doctor until afterwards when almost every girl in the room was almost glued to his hip. Why so, I asked my new-found friend at the next table? He's Doctor. Both the American and the Doctor both ticked yes for me as well, as Tuesday afternoon I received the email which indicated my matches and their contact details. It's Sunday and I've not heard a word! It's like my entire dating life all over again, early promise and then nothing. I wouldn't say I hated it, but I wouldn't say I loved it. Sure, there were plenty of single men in one venue but it was too rushed, too pressured and nothing natural could really develop.

*** *** ***

So after all this, I've really been thinking about what I want in relationship, or who I see as a potential. And here's the thing, it's completely undefinable. I want banter and laughter and friendship, I wanted someone who knows me enough to say 'Hey, come on, you can do better.' Someone who loves me inspite of my faults and sees the person I be. And then small things like height, some one who can make me, 5ft 10, feel like a woman and not a giant elephant. The relationships that always catch my attention are unrequited loves or friendship based loves. I guess because I so strongly identify with the unrequited aspects. TV couples who transfix me are Josh and Donna from The West Wing, who worked together for seven years and were clearly meant for each other, and shared some of the best banter and unresolved tension. In the same stratosphere of friendship based love is Jim and Pam from The Office USA. One of the most moving scenes of TV was the second season finale, where Jim confronts Pam and confesses to loving her. And while she rejects him, the bravery and the honesty he displays, the phrase 'I want to be more than that.' It gets me every time. And not even TV couples - one of my friend's is a recent couple, and the way she beams and the cheeky glances between them, across a room full of people. And even my friend's who've been together for a long time. My friend who lives with her boy, and even now, the smiles they share when he walks in the door. I want that stuff so badly, I envy it so much. But where to get it from? The problem when you don't have it, is you start to look in places you shouldn't. And that's where the wrongly-timed kissing with the friend came, and even the Speed Dating. Which was an experience but not an experience for me. It's the look without looking. The being satisfied without truly being satisfied. Looks easy from the outside, but from the inside it's a tough thing to be.