A Big Problem...

I have two major problems at the moment. My first problem may not sound at all like a problem because, really, I have only myself to blame but it is still a problem. As you may have noticed from the post below, apparently I was going to make a more concentrated effort in my reporting. Well, as you can see, it's been a while between drinks here at Sunday. For that I apologise, I actually do mean to continue this and I will, it's just difficult. I won't blame a busy life or no time. It's got nothing to do with that. It's being honest - that's the problem. For it would be so easy to post a humor filled, sarcastic, self indulgent rant about my lack of love life, how I bar hopped and found nothing, how I'd Internet dated and golly gosh despite my best efforts nothing. But I am not Sam Brett and that's not the reason I'm doing this. It's to hold myself to truth, to see what I've written and done and know that I wrote the truth.

Being honest and admitting that I've been lazy about seeking out love, that I'm hiding is hard to admit to myself, let alone putting it out there. And it's true, I am absolutely hiding. No, I'm not a recluse, I don't spend weekends in my room listening to sad songs wishing upon on a star. It's not that obvious but then it is. Right now, I'm honestly 10 kilos heavy that what I should be. Before you roll your eyes and click out, believing I am another nutty woman, worrying about her weight, hold on. I don't believe 10 kilos is what is stopping men from dating me. I'm not stupid. But it's not helping. No way. Neither is my chipped front tooth, that I excuse as being to expensive to fix. Neither is my lack of efforts in presenting the best version of me. Again, relax, my self esteem is fine, it's all folded into one big package issue. And I can hide behind this and tell myself it's fine. I'm not getting dates because I've got a few deterrents. Why not change you ask, why not make an effort to loose the weight, fix your tooth and start making more of an effort. You'll feel better about yourself and look good too. That's perfectly sane, and I think a brilliant idea. And generally on Sunday's I swear this week, I will do that. But somewhere, in my
subconscious, somewhere the voice inside says 'What if it doesn't change a thing?' What if, after making the best of myself, what if I still remain alone? How do I continue to believe then? While people will tell me this is absolute madness and it's crazy and stupid and I completely agree, I can't help it. It's been my default setting for so long, I don't know any different. It's a self preservation thing. Rather me control the rejection than someone else.

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My other major problem is actually convincing you that my love life is dead! Especially after again, something completely out of the blue occurred. Let's put it on record, I don't hate Valentine's Day. I'm not a raging single that depises that entire commercial sales pitch, reason being, I want in on that sales pitch. I don't want everyone bemoaning commercial love to ruin it, for if and when I ever get there. That being said, I've only ever had one Valentine's Day with someone and it's was when I was 14 and the boy I dated left me a bizarre unsigned and unnamed card and CD in my letter box declaring his love. I only knew it was him because we'd discussed that I liked that CD (Mariah Carey, Musicbox - Yes, I know). And that's it, I haven't had anything else so I never, ever expect anything. The shock at receiving a call from Sibling 2, who I live with, was pretty high, especially when she said, 'Who loves you?', me clueless 'What?' her 'Someone has left you a rose at the front door.' HUH? WHAT? I had no idea who sent the rose, I was immediately convinced it was Sibling 2 playing a joke, but she swore black and blue that no, she had nothing to do with it. All day I spent wondering, who, how, what and still I really, really, really had no idea. I came home and was fully prepared for the joke to be revealed. But no, there it was, a single red, store bought, rose. A note: BBSG (my real name was actually on the note), Thinking of you, xox and that was it. No signature, no clue to reveal an identity. Huh? I still believed it to be a joke, or something from one of my friends who was being funny but after checking all sources no, no one had any idea and everyone was intrigued! My mother, being my mother, of course believed it to be Sibling 2, and actually demanded that Sibling 2 get on the phone so she could tell her to own up.

So, who is the mystery rose giver you ask? I STILL HAVE NO IDEA. That's right, more than a month later the mystery man has yet to show his face or leave further clues and I'm actually really angry. Which sounds so awful and cruel but I am damn it. I am furious when I think about it. I have been in the situation, many, many times where I admired someone from afar. Harboured that secret crush that we all do at some time. I of course, waited for something to happen but the two times where nothing happened but I believed something could, I put my best foot forward and told them my feelings. Not face to face of course, are you insane?, I am in no way that brave a person. I both times, wrote incredibly soppy, Dolly magazine esque notes (I was in High School) and delivered them to their homes. But I signed my name, scary and awful and girly as it was, I signed my name and owned up to it. Wouldn't it be great if I could say that it resulted in a match - sorry, both times I ended up on the end of a 'it's so flattering but um, no' conversation and afterwards was treated with pity and not friendship which we'd had before. But below the humilation and embarrassment was a small feeling of relief, relief that I'd done it. And that's what frustrates me more than anything about this, is that this person is hiding and I am, if anything, open to possibilities. Yes, right now, I hear the Greek chorus saying Man 1, look how you dealt with that. But I think I was nice and friendly and caring when I dismissed Man 1's advances and I still remain friendly and chatty to Man 1, even more so than before, in an effort to get to know him.

Still, thinking about it today, underneath all the frustration about not knowing who this person is, and the anger from that, is doubt. While it's awful to admit, I doubt some one is honestly thinking about me in that way, I doubt that they spend their days sincerely thinking 'I wonder what BBSG is doing, and how I wish I was part of her life romantically.' I doubt it deep in my soul, and I guess that's why I'm angry, because every day that passes that Red Rose Giver doesn't reveal their exsistence, gives me more belief that it's a mis-timed joke. And that would break me a little. So, selfishly, for my sake, I hope Red Rose Giver you do exsist, and hope that you feel it's okay to be brave, and tell me who you are. Tell me that you are honestly thinking of me. And maybe, just a little, save me from myself.