To Try

I'm very much over having to try at love. I have been trying for more than a decade and there's not much to show for it. I selfishly want to be adored, want someone to crush on me and I want it to be easy, I want that person, to be someone I want. Which of course is the dream we all have right? Sure, but everyone's dated, everyone's had a relationship of some note that says, I returned feelings of equal value to another, be that lust, like or love. Well, not me. I'm an expert at being single and not just between boyfriends but seriously single, years have gone by.

The problem is I function well on my own. I'm pretty self-reliant and I often wonder does that cause me to be an island? Have I marooned myself intentionally? I don't honestly think so. And what frustrates me, is that I can't explain it. I really can't, in all this world of varied people and interests and types, how I can't find one person that is keen on me and vice versa. Of course, I've longed for the unavailable, I've longed from afar, I've longed as a friend in silence and I've let the crush know my longing but all to no avail. And yes, I've tried all types (of people that I'm interested in) from nerdy boy next door types to studly sporty types and all in between, I've been keen on all those types and still nothing. I've RSVP'ed, I've speed dated, I've been achingly single, I've had fun in bars, I've been serious and persued it properly, and still I end back at the same place.

So basically, I'm tired of it all. I'm exhausted and tired of trying to be liked, tired of trying to convince myself that this treadmill existence of seeking a love life is going to change it. That by asking questions, seeking dates and hoping, that like some rom-com scenario, after years in the dating wilderness, I'll be rescued, because it's not happening. No matter how many people say be patient, no matter how kind words of one day soon, I'm the same alone single girl.