I'm So Sick Of It

I'm sick of the judgement, the self doubt, the desperate efforts to convince myself. I've just had the 'amazing' experience of having someone, in clear, plain, no hold's barred way, tell me exactly what they think of me. And it wasn't nice. And what's worse is, that it was someone I trusted, some one who I thought, no matter what I did, or who I was would always be proud of me, always support me. It wasn't something I was prepared for and it was from someone I wasn't prepared to hear it from. This brutal truth was under the veil of wanting better for me, but something so poisonous, so vile can't be a better - it's not a better I understand. I struggle enough in my own self-belief, to have one of my supporters lay it blatantly on the line, and brutally - it's just broken me a little.

I can't say any more because it still mortifies me, hours later. And here's where a defender would be so handy. Here's where a boyfriend would run to my aid, here's where a word of kindess would see me through, but there's nothing but silence. I need a team, I need someone to be on my side. Some one to understand when silent support serves better. Someone to embrace me, and love me for all that I am. Understand that I struggle, that sure, a few kilos are there but I'm not an obesity statistic. I just need a shoulder, I need a 'you're beautiful, and I love you' - right now, I need a refuge, a salvation, a hand in the darkness. I hate to sound so dependent on some one else, and to have my emotions tied into someone else is dangerous but at times like this, that's what those people are for. A port in a storm. I guess not everyone gets a port.